THE WAY WE WERE - Bad Fit, Bad Move, Bad Song, Bad Acting. Bad Movie

Barbara Strizand and Robert Redford star in this 1970s film about two people who should never have been a couple, but who become a couple. First of all, they don't look anything alike. She's Babs all over, and he's totally Redford. BAD FIT. But they go out anyways, break up once, get back together, get married, and then he ends up cheating on her, so she dumps him. Of course, the cheating happens in Hollywood, and I wonder if they would have stayed together if they hadn't moved to California, which in the 1970s was nothing but trouble for married couples. BAD MOVE. Another reason they had to break up was that Babs sings the entire soundtrack, and Redford sings nothing. That's not fair to him, as he's just not being heard. And all she can sing is "The Way We Were" over and over again in this really sad, whiny voice. No wonder he cheats on her, as that song would eventually drive anyone crazy. If she wanted to stay married to him, she should have at least sung a couple different songs, or even just turned the soundtrack down a bit on their lives, as it's quite annoying. For example, the song even plays outside in New York City while he's walking around - can you imagine having to live with that? BAD SONG. The last reason that they shouldn't have been a couple is that you really get the feeling that they aren't actually a couple. It's like they're faking it, and in my book, that's called BAD ACTING. When you add it all up, The Way We Were is just a BAD MOVIE. -AF

VICKIE CHRISTINA BARCELONA by WOODY ALLEN

Woody Allen is my favorite filmmaker because he has my first name for his last name. I also read that he's important because he has been able to capture the foibles of contemporary, adult relationships without turning a blind eye to the psychological dynamics that make the educated classes so dysfunctional. I'm not totally sure about this second reason, to be honest, but he does have my name in his name. In Vickie Christina Barcelona, Woody Allen has these really beautiful women having all these weird threesomes with Havier Barden. Personally, since Barden played that f'ed up killer dude in No Country for Old Men, I can't see how any woman would go anywhere near him for any reason, so I really have to question Woody Allen's casting choice here. Throughout the whole film I kept blurting "Watch out! Don't go back to his house with him!! He's a Killer!!" I don't really like horror films, but this one was more interesting than most because Woody Allen married his adopted daughter. -AF

PAPER HEART with Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera

"Paper Heart" has a bunch of cut-out people in it from time to time. Charlyne Yi is like a human strobe light because she giggles a lot and is super spazzy throughout the whole movie. She is probably just really excited because she made the movie and she thinks it is good. I did not think it was very good, however, Sundance did. There is some big rumor that Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi actually started dating in the movie for real! I don't like to use the word "puberty", but this movie makes me say it. Their relationship is very pre-pubescent even though they have both gone through puberty! (I think) Paper Fart. -SK

SMART PEOPLE vs. DUMB AND DUMBER

Reviewing two movies at once is hard, because you have to think about two movies, instead of just one. However, the movie Smart People was so dumb, and Dumb and Dumber was so funny, that I think this is worth the extra effort. Smart People is about these people who are not smart at all, except for the young girl, but she's not exactly brilliant, even though she's not dumb. It was as if they wanted us to think about how dumb people can be while reflecting on our own selves. That, in and of itself, is dumb, and made me realize just about nothing about myself. Dumb and Dumber, however, is not confused about anything, and therefore it is a smart movie. The guys are obviously idiots, and the movie is called Dumb and Dumber, so all of their stupid antics are not only appropriate, but well acted. When I walked out of Dumb and Dumber I was smiling and knew what was going on. When I walked out of Smart People I felt sad and was pretty confused about a lot of things. How dumb is that? -AF

UP the 3D Pixar movie

The movie UP was a cartoon, therefore it wasn't real. But if they wanted us to think it was real, like the 3D suggests they do, then why did they have the house being flown by balloons? I mean, I might have believed it if they used some viable technology, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that the house was really flown by balloons. I did like Kevin the bird, though, who seemed very real. -AF

LOVE HAPPENS with Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler

What I really like about this movie is that love does happen. I mean, she falls in love with that guy Gerard Butler. That's what I don't get about all of these artsy fartsy people, or Fartists as I like to say, saying that "Gone with the Wind" was such a good movie. I didn't see the wind or anything go in it. Maybe a fart did but that's about it! Jennifer Anniston is truly one of America's greatest actresses because she really has been in a lot of movies recently and I know that isn't easy to do. - SK

I totally agree. I mean, in a nutshell, Aniston does not fart on screen. She's of medium height, has blond hair, a warm smile, and she just doesn't break wind in movies. Not to my knowledge, anyways. And you're right, love does happen. For example, I loved this movie. - AF