The Life Aquatic with Bill Murray

Wes Anderson is one of the most amazing filmmakers of my generation, precisely because everyone else totally sucks so bad that someone had to step up and show us what half of a brain could do with a great camera and a mediocre story. In his early movies, everyone is kind of depressed and weird, and in The Life Aquatic, it's like all these characters decided to go on a boat trip together. They're hunting down an enormous shark and trying to get revenge, and we can't help notice the blatant reference to the greatest American novel ever: The Catcher in the Rye. Anderson is so influenced by Salinger that you start to get the feeling that any of these characters has just been thrown out of private school, begun a nervous breakdown and is walking around NYC at Christmas time, only it's that they're on a boat in the ocean and it's not winter. If Holden Caufield were interested in fish, this would be his movie.

Anderson has one other major influence, and that's Caddy Shack. In that seminal film, Bill Murray plays a droll, un-self-conscious greens keeper who, by being so bored with it all, embodies the absurd uselessness of high-brow leisurely pursuits like putting a golf-ball into a hole. In The Life Aquatic with Bill Murray, there is absolutely no difference. It's just they're on a boat in the ocean and instead of golfing, they're doing ocean research, another leisurely, and pretty boring, pursuit rich people do to help pass their otherwise meaningless time on the planet. Bill Murray plays himself, as he always does, and it's a little hard not to imagine him accidently saying something about golf while in the submarine or on the boat.

They do find the shark, by the way, so now you don't have to go see this movie because you know what's going to happen. Instead you can just rent Caddy Shack and pretend that they're on a boat in the ocean. Or rent The Royal Pain in the Tannenbaums and imagine that they're playing golf instead of hanging out doing nothing at all.

Wes Anderson has really sewn together a quilt, and I think you know exactly what I mean. "Four!"

The Incredibles - A Pixar Animated Movie

This movie is about a family who is really a super-hero family. They had to go into hiding and hide their powers because the world didn't want them around anymore to jump off buildings and stuff. I think they were screwing things up. But now, the dad wants to get back into being a super-hero because his normal job as an insurance guy sucks so hard. He goes behind his wife's back and gets a new skin tight super-hero suit made. Then, he gets himself into a bunch of trouble and his wife has to save his little ass. Literally. This guy has a huge upper body and the smallest butt and skinniest legs you have ever seen. Apart from that, he looks pretty good.

His wife is super stretchy and can become a long toothpick, or a boat, or can inflate herself or become a trampoline. Amazing, right?? The boy can run really fast, and his sister can disappear.

If I could live inside of this movie, I would. I would definitely want to be the wife so I could stretch myself and maybe fly away in the wind like a balloon. Hopefully me, the balloon, would land in Cancun and I could have a vacation.

Pixar made this movie, and instead of naming it "The Incredibles" they should have called it "The Totally Most FREAKING Amazing People EVER!" This movie is so freaking awesome it barely needs any reviewing. My only suggestion is that they should have taken all of the bad guys out so the movie could be just about these people and all of the stuff that they can do with their bodies. -SK

THE WAY WE WERE - Bad Fit, Bad Move, Bad Song, Bad Acting. Bad Movie

Barbara Strizand and Robert Redford star in this 1970s film about two people who should never have been a couple, but who become a couple. First of all, they don't look anything alike. She's Babs all over, and he's totally Redford. BAD FIT. But they go out anyways, break up once, get back together, get married, and then he ends up cheating on her, so she dumps him. Of course, the cheating happens in Hollywood, and I wonder if they would have stayed together if they hadn't moved to California, which in the 1970s was nothing but trouble for married couples. BAD MOVE. Another reason they had to break up was that Babs sings the entire soundtrack, and Redford sings nothing. That's not fair to him, as he's just not being heard. And all she can sing is "The Way We Were" over and over again in this really sad, whiny voice. No wonder he cheats on her, as that song would eventually drive anyone crazy. If she wanted to stay married to him, she should have at least sung a couple different songs, or even just turned the soundtrack down a bit on their lives, as it's quite annoying. For example, the song even plays outside in New York City while he's walking around - can you imagine having to live with that? BAD SONG. The last reason that they shouldn't have been a couple is that you really get the feeling that they aren't actually a couple. It's like they're faking it, and in my book, that's called BAD ACTING. When you add it all up, The Way We Were is just a BAD MOVIE. -AF

VICKIE CHRISTINA BARCELONA by WOODY ALLEN

Woody Allen is my favorite filmmaker because he has my first name for his last name. I also read that he's important because he has been able to capture the foibles of contemporary, adult relationships without turning a blind eye to the psychological dynamics that make the educated classes so dysfunctional. I'm not totally sure about this second reason, to be honest, but he does have my name in his name. In Vickie Christina Barcelona, Woody Allen has these really beautiful women having all these weird threesomes with Havier Barden. Personally, since Barden played that f'ed up killer dude in No Country for Old Men, I can't see how any woman would go anywhere near him for any reason, so I really have to question Woody Allen's casting choice here. Throughout the whole film I kept blurting "Watch out! Don't go back to his house with him!! He's a Killer!!" I don't really like horror films, but this one was more interesting than most because Woody Allen married his adopted daughter. -AF

PAPER HEART with Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera

"Paper Heart" has a bunch of cut-out people in it from time to time. Charlyne Yi is like a human strobe light because she giggles a lot and is super spazzy throughout the whole movie. She is probably just really excited because she made the movie and she thinks it is good. I did not think it was very good, however, Sundance did. There is some big rumor that Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi actually started dating in the movie for real! I don't like to use the word "puberty", but this movie makes me say it. Their relationship is very pre-pubescent even though they have both gone through puberty! (I think) Paper Fart. -SK

SMART PEOPLE vs. DUMB AND DUMBER

Reviewing two movies at once is hard, because you have to think about two movies, instead of just one. However, the movie Smart People was so dumb, and Dumb and Dumber was so funny, that I think this is worth the extra effort. Smart People is about these people who are not smart at all, except for the young girl, but she's not exactly brilliant, even though she's not dumb. It was as if they wanted us to think about how dumb people can be while reflecting on our own selves. That, in and of itself, is dumb, and made me realize just about nothing about myself. Dumb and Dumber, however, is not confused about anything, and therefore it is a smart movie. The guys are obviously idiots, and the movie is called Dumb and Dumber, so all of their stupid antics are not only appropriate, but well acted. When I walked out of Dumb and Dumber I was smiling and knew what was going on. When I walked out of Smart People I felt sad and was pretty confused about a lot of things. How dumb is that? -AF

UP the 3D Pixar movie

The movie UP was a cartoon, therefore it wasn't real. But if they wanted us to think it was real, like the 3D suggests they do, then why did they have the house being flown by balloons? I mean, I might have believed it if they used some viable technology, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that the house was really flown by balloons. I did like Kevin the bird, though, who seemed very real. -AF